A lot of people consider the holidays a time of love, peace, and sharing. Those people are communists. The holidays are a time to make sure your house is so lit that it plays some role in global warming, and to ensure that your elitist tastes are reflected in your seasonal trappings.

It’s also the time to outdo your friends and family when it comes to gift-giving. Disregard the notion that a thoughtful present beats an expensive one! That’s what cheap people say. Sad!

Regular readers of this column know that I often offer romantic advice or suggestions of seasonal gifts, as do other columnists (Dave Barry, Drew Magary, etc.). But they often ignore the hardest person to buy for — the book lover who doesn’t need more books.

With that in mind, here are the gifts you should buy book lovers so they know exactly how important you are. Will they like the gift? Is that even the point?

It is not.

1. Prism Glasses. Every activity is better when it's done lying down, whether it's reading, watching television, or driving. In fact, even eating is better for you when it's done from a prone position. The food travels slower, which means there's more time to digest it, and the smaller food particles are better for your intestine (fact provided by @HouseScience). Anyway, we all love reading when we're lying down, but don't you hate that irritating crick in your neck? With Prism Glasses, you can lie flat on your back and have your sight redirected to the book sitting on your chest. No more having to slightly lift your head or use pillows! Note: You'll still bear the exhaustion of your eyeballs slightly traveling left to right.


2. Library Embosser. Here’s an embosser that adds a seal on your books with your family name. It says LIBRARY OF, which we all know is a lie since your "library" consists of two creaking IKEA bookshelves, but we're fine with that. And you don't have to stop with books. The Oraton Rubber Stamp Library Stamp works on tax forms, household appliances, and babies.


3. Consigned 1880 Antique French Bookcase Buffet Hunting. If we’re being completely honest with each other, I’m not actually sure what half the words in the title of this bookcase refer to. I’ve seen all those words, just never in that particular order. Anyway, this $7,000 bookcase (used) is guaranteed to class up any room in your house. By the looks of it, that bookcase could hold up to about 50 or so books — you’re not filling those French shelves with paperbacks, trust me — so it’s definitely worth the money.


4. Cappellini S-Chair. Where are you reading this? Are you sitting down, maybe on some regular office chair or recliner like a dum-dum? I thought so. You could be reading this on the Cappellini S-Chair, which retails for the sensible price of just over $2,000 and seems to be made of straw — which is perfectly reasonable considering the carriage of today’s average American. My only qualm with this chair is that, apart from the fact that you’ll slide off onto the floor if you lose focus, there’s no place to put your arms. So, if you hold your book with one hand, your other arm just has to dangle. Hopefully there’s a small straw side table where you can perch your elbow.


5. Arne Jacobsen Floor Lamp. I'm writing this by the light from my office’s overhead fixture, and I’ve never felt poorer, both financially and spiritually. I was looking around for a straw end table for that S-Chair, and I stumbled across this lamp. I wouldn’t even think of sticking a regular bulb into this. No, a lamp that costs over $1,000 should be powered by the light of a glowing cherub. (FYI, cherub not included.)

So there you have it — the perfect gifts to help your bookworm pal put together the most elaborate writing nook ever. Gwyneth Paltrow would be proud of you, slugger. Happy Holidays!

For those that missed it, my collaborator DJ Alkimist and I did a podcast on “Authors on the Air” a few weeks ago and debuted our newest “short stories + music” track, “Requiem.” To listen to the podcast and/or the track, click here.

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