This Valentine's Day, steal a page from Cupid's thesaurus!
Don't let a lack of coital euphemisms ruin your V-Day! Instead, I suggest we develop our own terms and, given that this is a site about writing, use writer's names. Here's a quick list to get you started:
- Faulking Up: When you have no idea what your partner is doing, but it feels good.
- Feeling the Pynch: When you have no idea what your partner is doing, but everyone tells you it should feel good.
- Menckened: Immediately after you shout “Oh God! Oh God!” your partner stops to explain that God doesn't exist.
- Do the Camus: You feel nothing during sex. Afterward, you both sit bleakly on the edge of the bed.
- Blairing It Out There: You didn't actually have sex, but you told everyone you did.
- Updiking: Nope.
- Franzening: The sex is just okay but, afterward, your partner relentlessly explains to you how truly excellent it really was.
That should be enough to get you started.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! As Pablo Neruda said…I don't know, probably some romantic crap or something.
[Editor's note: This piece previously appeared in "Decisions & Revisions." We're all about recycling around here.]
E.A. Aymar's new novel, The Unrepentant, comes out in March.
Like what we do? Click here to support the nonprofit Independent!
